I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
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