Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
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