omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
Randomize
