you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
