I just am on my way home.. i had 3 and one startd crying and puking.. so they went home. one bitch fuckin ruined it for evryone.. u playin cards?
me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
