brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize