$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
I am never drinking with the goths again.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
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