you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
