You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
Randomize
