remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
