Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
