at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
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