Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
