There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Randomize
