WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
cat food counts as protein by the way
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Randomize
