Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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