Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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