I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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