i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
