I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
Randomize
