Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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