went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
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