false alarm. still invincible.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
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