I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
