Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
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