just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
Randomize
