At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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