So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
Randomize
