The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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