so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Randomize
