Im at strip club and am horny
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
