I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
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