Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
