So would u like to explain why you ate all my pickels and took my 1800?
About that, i have your 1800 on my desk with intentions of returning it but theres nothing i can do about the pickels
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
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My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
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Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
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