I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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