Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
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