is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
Randomize