We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Randomize
