I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
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