She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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