So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
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If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
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I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
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