god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
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