i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
they call him Oral-B. enough said
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
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