i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
