Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
