Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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