I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Randomize
