I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
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You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
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I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
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