I have been thinking about it and I am really glad we decided to order helmets.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
