Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
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