Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
Randomize
