BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
He had one of those small greek statue penises
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
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