Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
Randomize
