Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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