nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Randomize
