Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
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