I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
they need to just BURY HIM!
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
i think i have two assholes
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so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
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so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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