so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
Randomize
