Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
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