i just wanna soil my oats bro
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
Randomize
