My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
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