Dude?? where did you go after Wildcats last night? Last I heard you went off with one of the girls we danced with?
Negative - This is his GF, Bobby is in Jail for a DUI. Thanks for the info.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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