you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Randomize
