My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
Randomize
