this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
Will exercising make me less horny?
Randomize
