We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Randomize
